Hi everybody. A friend of mine has been prompting/prodding me to start posting here again. I’ve been arguing with him that I don’t have a lot to say that would inspire or uplift anyone. He says reality is more important and that I shouldn’t wait till I’m overjoyd about something to post. I guess I could use some feedback beyond telling me to slow down. So, here goes.

I’ve spent the past 4 months working 16 to 20-hour days to write a book, write some articles, and get my home business off the ground. I’m fairly certain I could have done all of this at a more leisurely pace. The truth is that I’ve been trying to outrun my feelings of loss and deep sadness. I spent the first half year after Dan broke up with me crying, playing Texas Hold Em, and validating books for Bookshare. I knew that my wheels were spinning and going nowhere, and I got tired of crying so much. When I injured my hand in early June, I couldn’t do much on MSN Messenger or in email. I started reading about online businesses and plunged in with a vengeance. I was willing to do almost anything to stop feeling so miserable.

It worked to a degree and for a little while. I kept so busy that I hardly had time to think or feel. The problem is that no person can keep that pace indefinitely. The stress is getting to me, I am more disconnected from my friends and myself, and when I started slowing down, the feelings I’d been running from were waiting for me. So I find myself with a compounded problem… not only do I have the feelings to cope with, but I’m tired and mentally exhausted.

I took some time off this past week to read a couple of good books. Then I went back to writing and found myself crying hard while submitting my articles to various article directories. Next Monday will make a year since we broke up. I have forgiven Dan for most of what happened. I thought I’d completely forgiven him. It finally occurred to me tonight that there is one thing I’m holding onto, and that thing still causes me pain. I didn’t even realize it until I caught myself thinking “I’ll never be able to forgive him for…” I need to let it go, and yet I don’t seem to know how. I feel like I’m clinging desperately to the side of a speeding ship because letting go means falling into an ocean without knowing how to swim very well.

If you want to see some of what I’ve been working on, you can see my articles on Ezine Articles. Just search for my name there. I’m proud of what I’ve been working on. I’m just way out of balance. I know I have to slow down because my body and relationships can’t take this kind of punishment. I just don’t know what to do with the feelings that come up. I guess I’m worried that the sad feelings will take over and wipe out my determination to succeed or may me feel apathetic toward things.

Anyhow, Chris, there’s your post. (sigh) Writing things down did make me feel a little better. It won’t win any awards, but it’s real.