I’ve been doing lots of thinking and sorting lately, sorting what I want to keep and what toxic emotional garbage can be thrown away. I’m finding that there are a lot of things left unsaid and unknown. If I had the chance to say this and could be heard, I would want Dan to know only this. “I’m learning to live without you now, but I miss you sometimes. The more I know, the less I understand. All the things I thought I figured out, I have to learn again. I’ve been tryin’ to get down to the heart of the matter. My will gets weak, and my thoughts seem to scatter. But I think it’s about forgiveness, forgiveness, even if you don’t love me anymore.”

I am imagining that I am on a ship that is about to sail for a new and wonderful destination. My crew has told me that I have too much cargo on board and don’t have room for food or treasure that we might encounter along the way. As I inspect the cargo hold, I see lots of useful things. I also see a lot of toxic trash and old, broken pieces of pottery and tools that don’t work anymore.

When it comes to Dan, We had a lot of good times together, and I choose to keep my memories of those. They have helped me to become a stronger and better person. I also choose to keep the work skills I learned from him. I am throwing out the blame, regret, self-loathing, hurt, and the need to understand why. I’m imagining putting those things into a large, heavy-duty garbage bag and tying it up tight. The stinch of blame and bitterness is almost overpowering. Blame and regret are very heavy, and I wonder if the ship could even stay afloat with just a little more on board. I imagine tossing it over a rail into the yawning depths of the sea. I’m imagining that heavy, nasty bag sinking into the depths as my ship pulls away. Soon it is so far out of sight as to be irretrievable. There is a little room in the cargo hold now, and a fresh breeze is carrying away the nasty smells. Maybe tomorrow I will throw something else overboard.