I just discovered that Jeremy Camp has released a live, unplugged album. I’m listening to it now, and it helps me to feel stronger and at peace somehow. I was feeling sad when I woke up this morning and had to argue with myself to get out of bed. Today is the day we’re putting up our Christmas tree. I knew they’d play Merry Christmas Darling and I’ll Be Home For Christmas, and I didn’t want to face it. I was feeling sad because I knew I couldn’t talk to someone who I still care about very much. The loss of the friendship between us hurts more deeply than the loss of romanic love. I feel as if a part of me has been amputated. I’m doing well these days and even find things to laugh at. Still, the feeling of loss runs like a thread woven through my days. I reach out to call him or tell him about something I’ve found, and then I stop with my hand in mid air. The music I’m listening to now eases the feelings and reminds me of the good things in my life and why it’s good to hope and trust God.
The piano and violin play together in beautiful harmony like two loving friends who soar together. Singing the words brings me closer to my friend who will never leave, Christ who loved me enough to pay for my life with his own. He knows what it’s like to be rejected, to cry out from the depths of pain, and He also knows what it’s like to hope when things seem impossible. I’m glad He became a man and lived instead of just coming down and dying right away. I know He has felt every feeling I can have and has felt physical pain beyond anything I will ever feel. I can turn to Him and give it all to Him, knowing that when He says He knows what I’m going through, He means it literally. There are no surprises, and I can’t shock Him with anything I feel or want.
Absolute trust? How is it that I’m learning this lesson now, of all times? Nevertheless, it is the lesson of now. I asked Him, “how can I ever open my heart and trust again?” In answer, He has opened my heart wider than I knew was possible, and opened it to people I didn’t know 2 months ago. It’s like the FDIC insuring your bank account. He’s got my back.
